Best & Worst

[Starr Luteri-Hicks]

One of the best things abut being a Pastor's Wife is that I am able to take on the role of hostess, offering hospitality and welcome to members and visitors. I treasure those moments when I'm instrumental in bringing an outsider into the fold.

Worst? Definitely when too many needy people mistake me for an extension of the pastor. It can feel as if they are sucking the energy right out of me, and I need a safe place to hide.

[Connie Cash]

Best? Being in a position to offer love, support and encouragement to so many people. My favorite moments are during communion, when I see the entire congregation go forward as the Body of Christ. I am sometimes overwhelmed with each one's personal story, remembering the hills and valleys we've walked with them.

The worst? Sometimes feeling I have no control over my time, my family's time, my home.

[Starr Luteri-Hicks]

Ditto on the communion. It's obvious our church is thriving when we have to send a deacon to get more bread!

[Regina]

I am new here - to sidekicks, as well as to being a clergy wife. We've been married for almost 10 years, but my husband heard his calling for the first time a year ago (age 38). I think the best thing is going to be that he will have a career that will be entirely fulfilling to him and I want nothing more than to see him happy and feeling like an important and cherished part of our community.

My biggest fear is that our family will no longer be first priority. I work full time and support the family while he takes care of our kids and goes to school part time. After a long week, or a long day, I want to come home to my family. I want our kids, and me, to have the assurance that we (WE - not just me or just him) will be there for them. But, won't he be called away for funerals, weddings, and countless other events that already take him away (as a very active Deacon, as manager of our capital campaign and the capital project that followed, as the care-taker of our steeple clock that needs winding twice per week, and as the defacto go-to person for just about everything in our church)? Won't these events almost always occur on evenings, weekends and holidays - the only days I have off? When will I ever see him? When will we have family time with our kids - only 2 and 6 years old?

I see now that this is an old thread. I am not sure if I am typing into the ether, but would love to hear from spouses with experience if there are any out there reading this.

[Starr Luteri-Hicks]

Hi, Regina! No worries. I have an email alert on old threads for exactly this situation.

Oh, girl. I just wanted to reach out and hug you as I read your note. The answer is, of course, yes, lots of these things are going to occur on evenings, weekends and holidays. But not always. AND - it is up to your husband to establish boundaries. Hard as that may seem, it is possible.

One of my favorite stories: As a seminary student, one of my husband's work-grants was serving as Audio Visual Manager, i.e., he organized and set up video cameras, microphones and speakers for the many different events on campus. He got more calls in the middle of the night (evenings, weekends, holidays, too) from panicked people over microphones and cameras than he has had in his subsequent 20 + years in the ministry!

Here's the reality. As a student, he was at everyone's beck and call. Professors held authority; brides felt, of course, that they had to be served; visiting speakers had to be coddled. By contrast, as a pastor, David is the person in authority. It was also in seminary, through much clinical pastoral training and experience, that he learned that the vast majority of late night (evening, weekend and holiday) calls really are not emergencies, and no one will die (or lose their salvation) if he comforts and calms them by phone, then visits the next day - or soon thereafter. Amazing but true. (And yes, there are those rare true emergencies. That can vary enormously from one parish to another.)

As a deacon, you husband is in much the same situation as David the seminary student. Everyone is his boss. As a pastor, he will be the person wearing authority.

Having said that, much depends on him. He must be the one to establish boundaries, to let it be known that he may not be taken advantage of, that his family time is to be respected. When he does that, he will find that he himself will receive greater respect.

Oops, sorry for writing a tome. Let's continue the conversation.

[Regina]

Thank you, Starr. Your words are helpful. I do still fear that he won't set up boundaries quite as I would expect from any other "job." But, I get it - this isn't just any other "job." The fact is, he is the one with the calling - not me or our kids. Yet, we all have to answer the call. His involvement currently pushes up against our family boundaries quite a bit, so I am fearful that it will only get worse. But, as you point out, he still has seminary to go through and much pastoral training that will help him define what is important. I too am getting better at talking with him about what I fear and what MY boundaries are in terms of our family, and our family time together.

I feel horrible and self-absorbed, in many ways, concerning myself with what MY boundaries are and what all of this discernment means to ME. His calling is about his relationship with God - not with me. But, in other ways, it IS about me too. I can't help but wonder if the vows at ordination will somehow change the vows to God that we took together 10 years ago - now I have to adjust my expectations and bring our community's needs into our private little life together, and our private quite significant vows.