Dear Nonni Know-It-All,
I believe the church should glorify God and teach truth in ALL THINGS, right down to the refreshments served in Fellowship Hall. I want our deacons to replace the toxic, caffeinated beverages and sugar-laden pastries with wholesome, organic, sustainably grown fruits and vegetables along with pure water at all church events. I am certain our congregation would embrace this vision if my Reverend Husband would preach and teach on the subject, yet inexplicably, he disagrees. Nonni Dearest, what can I do? Concerned in Concordia

My Dear Concerned,
Nonni regrets to inform you that your Reverend Husband holds the correct stance in this situation. The social rituals practiced at communal gatherings serve purposes beyond relief of mere hunger and thirst. By offering one another a selection of adult beverages (sadly limited to coffee and tea in Fellowship Hall) we send signals of our mutual acceptance and peaceful intent. Plates of sweets represent the hospitality of presenting a meal, although abbreviated to the last and most delightful course, i.e., dessert. To replace the traditional fun foods with roots and twigs would send subtle signals of hostility, leading to the destruction of the peace and unity of your congregation and possibly the fall of our entire social establishment. Now please sit down, have a cruller with a nice cup of tea, and find another way to elevate the human condition.

Email your heartaches and deep spiritual questions to Nonni Dearest: NonniDeare811@sidekicks.ning.com

Click here for more pearls of wisdom from Nonni Know-It-All.
copyright Starr Luteri-Hicks 2009
Legal and Theological Disclaimer: Anybody tempted to take "Dear Nonni" too seriously should immediately increase their dose of humor medication.

THE CALL can take us to places we never thought we'd be.
What are some special features of your current area of abode? Send them in (starrdark@cox.net) and we'll post them here.

Ever been to Phoenix? Whether you're just visiting, a snowbird or here to stay, here are a few tips to help you survive, contributed by Ida.

1. 'Phoenix' actually consists of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, Mesa, Gilbert, Glendale, Peoria, Tolleson, Avondale, Goodyear, Litchfield Park, Sun City, Sun City West, Sun City Grand, Sun Lakes, Surprise, Laveen, Apache Junction, Gold Canyon, and half of the Mexican border.

2. The morning rush hour is from 4:00 am to noon.
The evening rush hour is from noon to 9:00 PM.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph.
On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.
Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

3b. Addendum to #3: Due to the installation of automatic cameras on our highways, you also are endangered by drivers going 10 miles under the speed limit, drivers racing at high speeds between cameras then slamming on their brakes just before the camera zones, and camera flashes inducing temporary blindness. It's all for our safety.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest mufflers go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.
However, in the East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. In the Northwest Valley, including Sun City, Sun City West and Surprise, golf-carts ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
It's an offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent in Phoenix.
Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as panhandlers, dogs, barrels, cones, cats, mattresses, ladders, shredded tires, rabbits, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items..

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the 'I-10' are the same road.
.... SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Northern and Shea are the same street. Also Glendale Ave. becomes Lincoln Drive. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway.
.... The Superstition is also known as US 60.
.... The 101, 202 and 303 remain a large mystery to most of us.
.... The SR51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY.
.... And please note that Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but Cactus Rd. does not become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

And finally, between the months of May and October, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands when opening the car door, fastening your seat belt, and holding the steering wheel.

Put your own face or avatar on site with your name. You can use any photo or graphic in .jpg, or .gif. Here's how to do it:

To change your profile photo on Sidekicks, especially to get rid of that silly default photo, sign into the network and click the “My Settings” link on the upper right side of the page. Click on the blue/green photo icon next to “Your Photo.” A small window will pop open. Click the “Browse” button under “Upload a file from your computer.” Locate an image on your computer, double click on it, and then click “Done.” When you upload a new photo, the old one will be deleted.